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Stuff I learned from a nine-year-old this summer

Chuck Brown
out there

Summer isn’t over yet but summer vacation officially is with the kids returning to school, a morning chill greeting us and fathers everywhere preparing for major changes -- from drinking beer and watching baseball on TV to drinking beer and watching football on TV.
I was fortunate this summer to not only take a full two-week summer vacation but to spend one of those weeks away with my family. We stayed in a cottage on a beach with no satellite television, no e-mail and no schedule. In that week, and really through the course of this summer, I’ve been watching my nine-year-old and learning much. Nine is a near-perfect blend of independence and childhood. At 9, my daughter, Emma, is old enough to take care of herself but young enough that I can still feel like I’m taking care of her. But that care, at 9, comes in fun, cool ways like helping her Rollerblade rather than those two-and-three-year-old nose wiping years when many of my parenting responsibilities involved cutting up grapes and saying things like, “Careful! That grass looks sharp!”
I hope I’ve taught Emma a few valuable lessons over the years but now that she’s older, Emma is teaching me a few things. Here’s what I learned from her this summer.

* Bring a bathing suit with you, everywhere. Wear one as underwear if you can get away with it.
The water isn’t fine? Jump in anyway. Swim when it’s tolerable, not just when the heat is intolerable. Summers are precious and we get too few good warm days in our Canadian lifetimes. If you’re near water and it’s warm enough to even sort of consider getting in it, kick your shoes off and go from there.

* Grapes aren’t just for eating. They make excellent projectiles.

* If you ever get a chance to meet Jesus, remember to call him Mr. Christ.
I later learned Emma heard this line in The Simpsons Movie but this wisdom came from a discussion I was eavesdropping on between Emma and her younger cousin, Ben. They were tackling the big questions - mortality, faith, the hereafter. Of Heaven, Ben says, “No one knows what it looks like but it’s probably really crowded because there’s, like, thousands of people there, probably.”

* They’re comfortable. They’re cheap. They slide off and on easily. Go ahead. Wear Crocs every day.

* Farts are funny. Even fart noises are hilarious. Every time. They can be actual farts, armpit farts or even, as Emma and Ben somehow learned, they can be farts created by placing the nozzle end of an old tire pump under an armpit in just the right location then pumping the handle at just the right velocity to produce a loud but quite realistic farrrraapppp!

* It’s never too early in the day for a song and dance routine.
If you’ve ever dragged a tired nine-year-old out of bed in the morning, you know it’s about as fun as giving a cat a pill or untangling the cords behind your home entertainment system. But once she’s up, and before she’s even de-boogered her eyes, Emma has been known to break into something from High School Musical, complete with choreography. She sometimes does more singing and dancing before she’s brushed her teeth in the morning than most people do all day.
The day is coming at you no matter what, you might as well take control. Got clean underwear and clean teeth? You’re ready for anything.

* The Olympics, without beer, are really, really boring. I had beer and found synchronized diving quite engaging. Emma did not have beer and wanted to watch Hannah Montana instead.

* Don’t mess yourself up by over thinking. When I swing a golf club, I’m often thinking about everything from alignment to grip to what’s for lunch. Step up and hit the ball. If the ball goes up and comes down, I look just like Tiger Woods. That’s what Emma says.

* When you see a friendly dog or cat, pet it. If you have to run to do it, so be it. That animal is getting a pat.

* You can eat what you want and not gain weight as long as you don’t sit still for 90 per cent of your waking hours.

* When you have a bonfire on the beach, just accept that your marshmallows, graham crackers and wieners are going to be served slightly burnt and slightly sandy. And saying “sandy wiener” is hilarious. Every time.