<< BACK TO PREVIOUS PAGE

Guys have one word for great cars - and it's not pretty

CHUCK BROWN
OUT THERE

I have just come home from a day of doing something all guys love - shopping with my wife.
But this wasn’t just the usual kind of “aren’t these boots great?” kind of shopping. This was car shopping, which could actually be an enjoyable activity except for one thing - we weren’t shopping for a car for me or even for “us” so much as we were shopping for her.
The most important part of purchasing a new car is determining precisely why you need a new car. Maybe you need a larger vehicle to accommodate a growing family. Maybe you need a more fuel efficient vehicle to keep up with rising gasoline costs. Or maybe, as is my situation, you need a new car because your wife has done an extensive evaluation of your budget, your family transportation requirements and current interest rates and determined you need a new car because she really, really, really wants one.
Before we started our search we shopped on the internet to narrow down our vehicle preferences to something sporty, powerful, roomy, safe, fuel efficient and within our budget. But we wanted an automobile, not a mountain bike, so we looked into something called “financing” which allows people like us - with no money - to buy something we couldn’t afford in a zillion years - such as a Starbucks cappuccino or a new car.
Once we convinced ourselves that we couldn’t really afford a new car but were going to buy one anyway, we had to do something that nobody wants or likes to do but that is essential when looking for a new vehicle. We had to actually talk to car dealers. We talked to several of them and each one of them told us why their cars are best for us by offering insightful and practical information such as, “You want to buy this car because, between you and me, that other one looks slutty.”
And since we were shopping for my wife, several times during the day I had to smile as I listened to her describe various automobiles as “pretty.” This just isn’t a term guys usually associate with cars. Sweet? - probably. Hot? - maybe. Torquey? - for sure. But I think I put myself at a disadvantage when I enter negotiations with a dealer and he knows that I know that my wife thinks the car we’re haggling over would go really great with her purse.
I’m also at something of a negotiating disadvantage in that my knowledge of motor vehicles consists of the fact they usually have four wheels, or so, and they are powered by internal combustion engines which are fueled, primarily, by something called “pistons.” Your average automobile, for those of you who aren’t as knowledgeable as I am, contains other various important parts such as a crankshaft, a transmission and a six-disc CD player.
At one dealership we listened as a salesman named Don (one of three names used by all car salesmen, along with Lloyd and Glen) told us about the vehicle’s engineering and features such as a twin-cam 2.5 litre engine, alloy wheels and side-curtain air bags. I watched Don closely as he spoke, nodded knowingly, sometimes squinted and looked like I was pondering the merits of the engine’s horsepower when what I was actually thinking was, “Look at all those cupholders!”
Perhaps sensing that we were looking for much more in depth information about the inner workings of the car, Don went on to explain many features, including, I think, stability and perhaps brakes. I must have looked like I was listening because he kept talking but I think my car expertise was exposed when I left the lot without ever once asking to see the engine. I did, however, take a detailed look at how the seats fold down and how the CD player works.
With all the new information Don gave us, we did what most smart car buyers do. We asked ourselves some serious questions like “Do we need the Corrosion Shield Electronic Rust Inhibitor (TM)?” or “Will 139-pound-feet of torque be enough for our driving needs?” and “What the hell is torque?”
In the end we settled on a reliable, sporty, fuel efficient model from a reputable dealer with an extremely bad toupee who, after some tough negotiating, gave in and gave us floor mats for half price.
I must say though, they are pretty.